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Pebble and the Penguin
Nostalgic Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to! Today we'll gonna look at film by Don Bluth— Picture of Don Bluth is shown. NC: God Damn it! How come he keeps turning up here? Posters of Don Bluth's films are shown during the Critic's narration. NC (Voiceover): I meam it's not like the guy isn't a good director, he directed some great movies like The Land Brefore Time, An American Tail, and The Secret of NIMH, one of my old time favorite films. But much like Schwarzenegger, for every good film he's made he's also made bad ones. And not are they only bad, they're weird. Unbelievably weird. NC: Case in point, The Pebble and the Penguin! Footage of Pebble and The Penguin is played. NC (Voiceover): If you took a combination of Nightwing and Viking and decided to watch Happy Feet for an hour, this is probably what you'll see. Yet another strange and often clumsily animated film that wants to look nice as opposed to make any logical sense. NC: It’s weird’ it’s sloppy, I have 20 minutes to waste so let’s take a look. Narrator: There is a charming tradition observed by the Adellie Penguins. NC (Voiceover): Ok. Which British chick will no narrating this? A subtitle that says "Shani Wallis" appears. '' '''NC' (Voiceover): Shaini Wallis? Who’s that? A picture from is shown,. NC (Voiceover): Ah! A woman from Oliver! NC: Neat. NC (Voiceover): So she talks about how penguins use pebbles to give to their loved ones as a mating ritual which starts off our tale the Pebble and the penguin as the storybook explains. No I mean as the songbook explains. Apparently the film is so cheap it couldn’t even afford a storybook so it resorted to the sheet music instead! So as the credits roll we get a unique but still very strange opening. It’s the penguins singing and swimming through their sheet music of the movie which looks nice but what the hell's the point of it? NC:I think they're goanna tap dancing through the script next marking all the bad lines they don’t like? The script would be only a page long if they did that! Girl Penguins (Singing): Now and forever/ We'll do like birds do. NC (Voiceover): By the way, is it me or this sound like the meeting song from the great muppet caper? Boy Penguins (Singing): Now and forever/I'll show her I care A clip from the Muppet Caper is shown. People: The first time you see her/No magical change. NC (Voiceover): What hack songwriter wrote this anyhow.... that explains a lot. Barry Manilow appears in the credits. NC (Voiceover): From the brilliant mind who brought you marry the mole! Girl Penguins (Singing): We'll have a little world where Whatever. NC (Voiceover): In fact that’s what probably why Maniow agreed to to this film. He’s sick and tired of people singing his kids song and other originals so he shouted you shall meet my music notes and everything. Then they’ll see I really wrote this shit! A circle made by rolled music sheets appears in the middle and spins to show the girl penguins. Girl Penguins: Knock it off. Romance has nothing to do with it. The circle spins again to show a girl penguin Marina. Marina: You know, I don’t think a pebble should that be important. The circle spins again. Girl penguins: Marina if you don’t care about the pebble, how would you choose? The circle spins again. This time it shows Henry Winkler from the credits of Happy Days. NC (Voiceover): So out narrator finally starts to introduce us to our character. Narrator: Of all the penguins in all the world... A clip from Casablanca is shown. Rick: She walks into mine. Narrator: was romantic was Hubie. NC (Voiceover): So this is Hubie played by martin short. He's in love with a female penguin named by Marina played by Anny Goldman. They make awkward small talks as supposed to represent their relationship as an evil penguin named Drake played by Tim Curry watches over. Drake: Marina doesn’t know it but she’s going to be my wife! NC is rasing his arms like a muscle-bound man. NC: I didn’t get these pengroids for nothing you know. NC kisses his "muscle". NC (Voiceover): So as they sit on top of that thing from the nightmare before Christmas, they start to sing a song so forced to contrive, they wouldn’t make it into a teddy rocks man cartoon. Hubie (Singing): Sometimes I wonder what the colors mean. NC (Voiceover): Uh, why don't you figure out what the lyric mean first? It's like saying I wanna figure out what the sound spell like. Hubie '''(Singing): Like your eyes. Oh, where was I... '''Marina: Choosing...brides! NC (Voiceover): Uh, is that choker trying to choke her? Marina: I don't think it's nonsense at all. Even if you are a bit wacky. Narrator: The rockery buzzed with excitement. All the bachelors took to the beaches to find their own engagement pebbles. NC (Voiceover): You know it's a shame this came out when it did. Cause I can so easily see Morgan Freeman narrating all this. NC (Voiceover, mocking Morgan Freeman’s narration): Here we see the penguin trying desperately to get a rock. His antic's all short written slapstick and heavily confused timing. Thus, he'll never find them it. He'll spend the rest of his years knowing that his spurs will never carry on. Hubie: Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, which I may wish I might half the wish I wish tonight. NC (Voiceover, mocking the answering machine): This is the wishing star. Out attorney advises you to stop ripping off Disney or we'll see you for the little that you have. Thank you and never call us again. NC (Voiceover): Thankfully the last son of Krypton is sent to Earth as Hubie plans to use one of the scorching hot rocks... that don’t seem to burn him at all as a pebble for Marina. But unfortunately Drake catches him before he can see her. Drake: So neeerd, I think you wanna be a big ladies’ man. NC (Voiceover): Boy, Tim Curry’s American accent is almost good as his Rumanian accent, isn’t it? A clip from Congo is shown. Romanian philanthropist TIm Curry: travelling the world, doing good. NC: Is it wrong to say a muscle bound penguin sounds more credible? TIm Curry: No! No! Drake: Hope you can swim. NC (Voiceover): He is a penguin. So while in the water he comes across the world’s freaking largest seal! And don't think this means penguins are just small, no we see them compared to the size of humans. They are regular size. This seal must have been like radioactive mutation experiment! (However some of The Nostalgia Critic's fan argued that seals can be sometimes extremely large.) Marina: Hubie! NC (Voiceover): So because of the storm and the seal I guess he can’t swim back. So we cut to him in a cage, hi, when did that happened? And he comes across a bunch of other penguins who also somehow knitted their own clothes. A penguin (Singing): If you love the great indoors/ Welcome to the Good Ship Misery. NC (Voiceover): God, don’t people talk anymore? You buy a pack of skittles and it would result in a musical number. Penguins (Singing):The boots have got the place so hot/That to your spot you've got the rock and roll. NC (Voiceover): Also has anybody noticed? They’re out of their freaking cages! Just leave! Stop torturing us with Manilow’s rejected commercial jingles. Penguins (Singing): And then we all throw up. NC (Voiceover): Just then another penguin is thrown to the cellar named Rocko, played by James Belushi. Rocko: Who’s with me? Who’s busting out of here? Bunch of bird brains, get me out of here! Hubie is looking in his pebble. A stereroypical "magic score" can be heard. NC (Voiceover): So hubie, through his magic space pebble, can see what’s going on back home. A blurry screen is shown. Drake is giving Marina a pebble. Drake: I want you to be my mate. Marina: Drake, I love Hubie. Drake: I am deeply sympathized. NC (Voiceover): Dude, the scene is so blurry you can host Barbara Walter’s special on it. Drake: Remember, you must choose a mate before the full moon mating ceremony or you're banished. That's the law. NC (Voiceover): Really? They had to make a law about that? Was there really some penguin who was just refusing to mate so they had to create a law to enforce it? Sometimes, I don’t want to know about the animal kingdom. Hubie: Sir! Take me with you. Rocko: You’re talking to me? Hubie: Yes, sir, I am. Rocko: Don’t call me sir. Call me Rocko. NC (Voiceover): So hubie and rocko work out a plan to get themselves off the ship. Rocko jumps out of the cage when it is opened by a man. The man is tripped down, with his head in a fish bucket. Man: Come back here you, come back! NC (Voiceover, mocking the man):You're gonna be Gordon fisherman's fish stick if you like it! The ship is sailing dangerously through a harsh storm dramatic score is played. The Criitic puts a cheerful song in the scene: Song: The weather started getting rough, The tiny ship was tossed!